Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
