Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
