the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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