I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
