11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
