life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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