Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm at about main and main street
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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