The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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