John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
