I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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