He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
don't judge my taste in strippers
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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