I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
