yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
