Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
