I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
