I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
