I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
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Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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