you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
