My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
