well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
