She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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