Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
