she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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