I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
