dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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