Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
