Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
