So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
