I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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