the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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