Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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