You can't special order awesome
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
