i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
