You're completely useless in the revolution.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize