So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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