I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
