everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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