I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
