am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
