at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Randomize
