Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
