I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
