i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
