i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
