foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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