I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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