I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
