I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
