hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
