Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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