dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I bet he comes in French.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
