i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
