Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
