I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
