In the future we'll all be gay
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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