I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
