he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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