DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
