I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i drank out of a bidet.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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